One of the goals this year is to meditate. This could be the scariest of all my goals for this year. I’d rather eat lettuce only for a week than to sit by myself and my thoughts for any length of time!
Let me start at the beginning:
Three years ago I had a serious breakdown. I spent some time in the psychward where I drooled while sleeping off mega doses of some potent meds. Then I was in outpatient for eight weeks, this is where I had to go to a group session everyday and learn about my behaviours and feelings. As part of this outpatient therapy we were encouraged to participate in meditation. These were always guided meditation, where we had to focus on the voice of the person and visualize what they said.
Here is how mine would usually go:
Voice: now we are going to relax. close your eyes and imagine you are somewhere relaxing. (they were more specific but it was three years ago)
My brain: shut up and stop sounding like a hippie.
Voice: and now remember a time where you were loved.
My brain: I am now thinking about my old dog Nacho. I loved him. He’s dead. Now I am thinking about my dead dog.
and I cried.
So my experience with meditation was pretty much like this, it always ended up with my dead dog in my head. NOT relaxing.
I used to listen to a tape at night that would guide us through relaxation and it would say “you are the chosen one”, which was odd. The problem was that my husband would be sleeping beside me and hear it too. He has no issues with self esteem….so where I would wake up and say to self “okay, i feel good about me and today will be okay”, he would wake up and say “i’m the chosen one mother fucker!”. So this is truly something I have to do by myself.
Then comes the problem, when and where to meditate. At home, I tried to do family meditation but ended up yelling “shut the eff up already and relax!!”. Night time might work, but then again, this all brings me back to my original problem: I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.
This is maybe 100% of my trouble, my thoughts influence my feelings which influence my actions…so when my brain is empty and alone, all I hear is “worthless” “stupid” “ugly” and “not funny”. Not funny is the worst of the thoughts. Even if I had just wowed a crowed of 200 I still fear I am never good enough. I always think I am worthless even though I am a great mom, a wife, a solid member of the community etc. and so on…but the brain is more powerful and for whatever reason (mostly my BPD) my thoughts go so negative, which then influence how I feel about myself which influence me not wanting to meditate. Meditation would often cause panic attacks!!!!
So why oh why am I trying to meditate after all this time? Well firstly it comes back to some behviours this past year. I became very anxiety prone when alone or alone with my children. I became texting buddies with someone who became a good friend. I then became, let’s say, dependent on this person now, I didn’t ever have to be alone, he seemed to always be there to talk. But it went too far and then I became dependent and talked to him even when i wasn’t alone. It ended as it needed to, I came out of the cloud and realized that not only had I neglected my husband during this time, but I had neglected my mental health progress. I didn’t ever have to worry about being alone with my thoughts, in fact I often ended up with someone, with great intentions, tell me how great i was. Alas, when I lost this person, all the thoughts and feelings I didn’t address over the course of the year came crashing at me. I was very close to having to go back to the hospital and I thought “no fucking way, no way am I ever having to go back there”. So I decided it’s time to learn meditation, it’s time to face the bad thoughts, feed new thoughts and NEVER become dependent with another person again.
So I am OPEN to suggestions friends on good meditation people, tapes and classes. I am scared of doing this but know that if all these people in my life love me that I can’t be that bad and maybe it’s time to get to actually know myself and learn to love who I am from the inside out. While doing this I will be loving myself from the outside as well through healthy eating and exercise. Maybe they will meet in the middle and I can be okay just being me, alone, with no unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Every now and again I wonder if this person and I can ever be friends again but in the end it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I get better, treat myself and my family right and do what I can to impact this world.
Thanks for listening,