Today I will update on two major items on my list. (see About page for full list)
One of my goals is to eat healthy. I am doing a one month cleanse. It is really just very very clean eating, and eating many short meals throughout the day. I have so much to lose so may as well start smart.
A second goal is reconnecting with my husband on many levels. We are very close and in love but I spent much of this past year in drama mode over a friend I was so afraid to leave, (and who not surprisingly given my clinginess, left the friendship this Christmas) so one of my goals is to refocus on my marriage.
Both these goals were important today. The husband and I got a sitter and went to a friend’s birthday party to play board games. We were having fun, I’ve still been a bit low over losing my friend but was putting in a lot of effort to make sure I am present and having fun and being me. So here we sat having fun, playing my fave game “Cards Against Humanity” and two things happened. The first was a big trigger over this friend loss came….see we are all mutual friends and well his name came up and I tried but could not stop the tears. I felt like a failure, here I was trying to show my husband how much I am into him and i am crying over some boy. I went to the bathroom, cried it out and then I was done. That’s the thing with triggers, they cause pain but with the right outlet the pain can be managed and then eventually passes.
I rejoined the party and in front of me sat a platter of cheese and crackers and meats. Eating is my emotional outlet, it always has been my drug of choice. So here I sat, sad and a bit mopey over my friend loss, and even more mopey over letting my husband see me mope. But I didn’t eat anything. I turned to my almonds and vegetables and ate it instead. Halfway through my husband looked over to me and said he was proud of me. You know what, I was proud of me too. I refocused on having fun and fun was indeed had.
My husband and hopefully friends understand that pain will come and go. It doesn’t matter why, today it was this old friend, tomorrow it might be something else, but no matter how bad or good it gets, I am focused on my goals this year and will not be deterred. I cannot use my emotional pain as an excuse to overeat, drink, gamble or develop unhealthy friendships. This year is about breaking these horrible habits and using pain management techniques that are more effective and healthy for me and my family.
And as for the husband, as I am now sitting beside him, ready to snuggle while watching some dumb netflix movie and he knows…he always knows he is number one and will always be number one and the fact that I have that understanding and love from one man for over 16 years, this fact will continue to help me along my journey.
Thanks for listening.
All my relations,