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How We Define Success

Today as I walked into work, I could not resist temptation to weigh myself a day early.  For those following, I have been on a strict (but safe and healthy) detox diet.  This is not a soup or broth diet, this is lots of vegetables and other healthy goodness.  So on day six I took my first leap, and just about fell off the scale when the number came up.  Down 18.5 pounds.  I stepped up again to double check, yep, down that much.  It seems like a lot in a week but given how much salt I used to eat alone would account for a lot.  This early weigh in was a great motivation to keep going.  I am certain that it won’t always be so large a decrease but for now I’m happy with it.

Throughout the day I felt a little lighter in the step (and indeed I was lighter) and had a kick ass day at work.  I do really love my job!

I was both nervous and excited about my first therapy session in a month.  A whole lot has changed in one month.  I had to tell her about my 100% insane actions, my realization that this weird obsessive friendship was affecting my health and my marriage, and my first ten days in the new year where my actions have been stellar at best.

I told her everything.  The good, the bad, the things that no one else gets to hear.  She didn’t judge, was happy that I had handled crisis better than in the past and was happy with my positive thoughts.  We talked again about how texting does not make a friendship, that it’s not real contact.  We talked about where i stalled in my progress and how to avoid a situation like this from occurring in the future.  I asked her if I would still have to see her if I kept up this good mood and behavour for awhile.  She laughed and said maybe after three years we can work on healing rather than maintenance.  But all in all a gold star in therapy today

I ran back home, ate more healthy food, hugged my family and went and tried new jokes.  some good some bad meh.  I went in with a good attitude and was ready to deal with any emotions that came up if I ended up running into the old friend that is currently a pain trigger for me at times.  Luckily he didn’t work tonight and I looked at the month’s schedule and was happy to see there would be no run ins for January.  This made me happy to know I could avoid a possible pain trigger and focus on my personal mental health.  It was then it hit me again that this was real, we were not friends, we could not talk, he didn’t like me anymore and i felt again like a girl in junior high with no friends.  I started to have high anxiety, like HIGH.  I looked at the chicken wings the servers broguht to tables.  I looked at the alcohol behind the bar, I wanted to cry, bruise, anything to take the pain away.  This lasted two minutes.  All this in two minutes.  I took a long breathe in, texted my husband that I was coming home early and that I was having anxiety where before I would have hidden this from him.  I drove home gave Josh a BIG hug and frankly was just fine by then.

I realize that weight loss, good therapy, good work, nice tits, these are not markers of my true success.  These are great things, but true success to a Borderline is managing the moment to moment situations.  Success is making one choice at a time, managing one pain at a time and moving on.  The choice not to feed my pain with food will produce my weight loss.  The choice not to bruise myself will help me learn to love myself.  In short, it is the day to day, moment to moment choices that truly define success to me

Thanks for reading.

Jenn

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