Don’t Forget the Milk

On the way home from my comedy gig tonight my husband texted “don’t forget to pick up milk”.  This was as profound a statement as he could make at that moment and he doesn’t even know it.  His intent was very clear:  we need milk.

Let’s backtrack to a few hours early.  Today ended up being a bit triggering in unexpected ways.  I started out great, good attitude, love my job, blogged, did lots of work, managed projects and people, carved some wood, had a great day and then BAM!  A phone call kind of kicked me in the gut; I won’t go into details but it was about one of my children and it was something hard we have to deal with as parents with special needs children.

I said I’d address it when I get home.  I spent a wee bit of time on the ole facebook on my breaks on a page for the Ottawa Comedy Roast.  I was escaping in gentle banter and was feeling like “one of the gang” online.  I even made a silly comment about an old friend, someone who I think the world of even to this day.  This comment was taken a bit badly, it’s okay it’s a roast,  but it triggered a long list of feelings, al negative, and I was reminded yet again, that I am not normal and have BPD, and cannot engage in simple roasting type material.

I lashed out a bit, then more so lashed in big time.  I was so upset that I might have upset this one person that I felt truly ashamed to be me.  I assumed everyone hated me and that I deserved to die.  I still went did comedy, cried before, killed, then cried after.  Then the husband texted me about the milk and I smiled.

This, THIS is my life.  Pain goes on around the borderline but no matter how much pain I am in, at the end of the day we still need milk.  We still need food on the table and we still need to take care of our kids; and trust me they need some extra special care. 

I know that no matter how bad things get in my head that there are some truths:

1. I will always get up, dress up and show up no matter how bad I feel.  I may be in the bathroom crying, but I get stuff done.  I am a good manager and I know my job.
2. I will always be there for my children.  Hell, they may even be the reason I don’t crash my car on the side of the highway after a crying jag.  I love them.  I LOVE them and am a good mom.
3. I have the most amazing husband, I really do.  All this pain is over a male friend who no longer wishes to be part of my life and insanity.  My husband is annoyed but works through it with me and is here, always.  He needs his time so tomorrow he plays ukulele with other nerdy type players but he’s always a rock to me and the kids.
4. I was reluctant to put this, but I am a good person.  I am.  I may fall off the beaten path and lash a small amount but I am a good person.

I did get the milk and the cashier, seeing my tears, asks if everything is alright.  I tell them no, it’s shitty, but I got the milk so it’s going to be okay.

Thanks for listening,

jenn

Great Blogging!

In a moment of gratitude, I wanted to provide suggestions for other blogs I enjoy, and for different reasons.  Many are trying just to get through their everyday and others are going above and beyond and working to help end the stigma associated with mental health.  Their writings inspire me and some days help me when I’m down.   

Grief Happens:  I enjoy this blog because it’s a mom working on everyday issues and some extra issues as well.  Personally I enjoy the way she writes, but also because I can relate in somedays to her stories.  While I did not have my children by birth I am still a mom and being a mom with mental health issues can be ever so challenging. 

Follow it here:  http://griefhappens.wordpress.com/2014/03/17/how-to-get-out-of-a-funk-a-few-tips-from-a-serious-attempter/

I love Ms. Judy, not just because she did a feature on me and my show (though I will still take her adoration) but she is a down to earth gal and talks about being a daughter of someone who suffers from mental health issues.  I relate to this on many levels but it is so important for stigmas to be broken about us moms who suffer from mental health issues.  We are still good moms but we sometimes need more supports and in my case, a husband that is 100% supportive.

Follow Judy Here:  http://judyonthego.com/

Amy Griffin:  This blog features mental health from a counsellor’s perspective.  I like the idea of someone learning and treating people like me.  I would personally have eaten her alive, us borderlines are tricky little patients able to convince everyone the world is fine (I ended up with a therapist who had worked with women in prison, most of the borderlines so she is amazing at calling me on my bull), but I enjoy her  musings and am glad for people like her entering this often thankless profession!

Follow the counselor here:  http://amyegriffin.com/

Overall Mental Health Blog:  This blog is a lovely blog focused on information about mental health NOT just about what affects her but for mental health issues everywhere.  Beautifully written and a must follow!

Follow it here:  http://blogformentalhealth.wordpress.com/about/  about all mental health not just hers

Sobriety and Youth:  I struggled with this one, not because of the blog or the person, they are both awesome, but because this blog makes me both happy and sad.  It shows me how much today youth has in front of them for mental health and addictions programs, even though there is much more work to be done.  In the next ten years things will even get better for my children and this young woman is on the frontier of the change.  I admire her dedication and work to this cause and personally one of her tweets really helped me out.  I get a bit sad thinking back to when I was a young woman over 20 years ago and was medicated and given no supports mental health or otherwise.  I still made it and hope that this blog helps many young women struggling out there today.

Follow her at:  http://thatsoberchick.wordpress.com/

So if you read me, you may enjoy these other blogs.  Don’t tell them I sent you haha, just go read and support other people trying to make a difference, one post at  a time.

Thanks for listening,

jenn

 

Have you ever wanted to go back to school?  I have not; I hated school, but I have always wanted to go back to the psychward for a weekend, just for some rest and relaxation and low expectations!   I’m kidding as I’d rather not revisit that time/s in my life but I do want to revisit the teachings I received.

When I was in the psychward and during the eight week post day treatment program I was learning mindfulness.  I don’t like mindfulness, my mind always has at least 20 tabs open and my brain is fighting between positive thoughts, negative thoughts and thoughts on actual productivity  such as “this report needs to get done NOW, no one cares if I like myself of not during the process!”

During my treatment though I worked hard and found that painting was something that worked for me.  I should say I am a HORRIBLE painter.  No skills, no vision for how colours mix, but I do enjoy painting.  I would focus on the colour, the brushstroke and the mellow music.  If I smoked pot I was one toke away from euphoria (alas I stick mostly with prescribed substances) and being a hippy.  (I don’t know why I think painting makes me a hippy, but it’s a stereotype I have had my entire life).

As time has gone by I have done less and less painting.  I am busy; a mom, a wife, a job, comedian and the odd movie keeps me going.  I still have bad days but just find I didn’t want to paint anymore.  Today mindfulness came back by accident.  I was walking by a group in our building that was doing wood carving.  As a Director sometimes I sit down with the staff and clients and “shoot the shit” and be present to answer questions and such.   Today I picked up a chisel and started carving.  I carved and carved and trust me, focusing is essential in wood carving, even more so than painting!  You can lose focus on painting and make a mess, but lose focus while carving and OUCH!!  So I sat there for half an hour carving and the time went by faster than sex with my husband!  I enjoyed the carving, the pounding, the chiseling; I enjoyed BEING IN THE MOMENT!

I am thankful to work in a place where every now and again I can stop and gain some culture and new skills.  I am thankful that I took the time to get away from my head and growing negative thoughts and just pounded on some wood.   I am thankful that “pounded on some wood” is NOT a euphemism for once.

So friends, take the time to do things you enjoy, even if you are busy.  My job and life can be stressful and while a borderline can feed off of this chaos, sometimes a good grounding must take place.  I should add that it appears I suck at wood carving too, but this will not deter me from continuing!  If I stopped at everything I sucked at I wouldn’t have gotten better and be where I am today!

Thanks for listening,

jenn

Feelings

Though they are felt intensely for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, they do leave eventually. It’s just about waiting for the storm to pass.

Some Days Suck

I have been writing about balance.  I have been writing about overcoming my disorder.  I have been writing about how great life is.  This is all true.  Until it’s not.

Today was bad.  Today is bad.  I won’t even go into the ins and outs because all that matters is the feelings that accompany them.  Today’s messages were all wrong in my head.  There was no beating them.  I tried being cheerful and cooking up a nice meal for my kids and playing a game.  I ended up leaving and making a few bad choices.  This only compounded the negative messaging.  I am nothing, no one wants to be friends with you because you are a useless whore.  You eff up everything you do and are no good to anyone; and these were the nicer messages.

I read a young gal’s blog about her recovery and it all seems so easy for her and others.  Maybe they are just stronger than me.  Maybe it’s not the mental health, maybe I do have a rotten core.  I should add that there is quite a bit of evidence to the contrary; I have a good family, a job I am doing great in, and for the most part my moods have been stabilizing; hell I even got gold stars from my therapist this week.  So everything is good, everything is good so why the hell do I want to die?  Why do these effing messages still come to me?  These messages which I act on and why people leave.  It is perhaps narcissistic to believe that everyone else with mental health issues deserves empathy and love and I don’t but that’s where the brain takes me.

So today is an epic wash in my mind.  I put on Grease 2 and even that is not helping; I mean if Michelle Pfeifer in leather pants can’t help my mood, then what can?

I am still, in all of this, thankful for the people who deem me worth staying.  Not only my lovely husband and children (who are the reasons I fight so much), but also the friends who understand the ups and downs, take breaks when needed but still love me for me.  Yes some good people have left and decided I wasn’t worth it, and I don’t blame them, but all I can focus on right now is the ones that stay, and believe in these darkest of moments that they stay for a reason, that they see beyond the rotten core and see the mom, wife, friend, comedian, artist and employee.  So to all of those people thanks, meegwetch and in the end it’s all up to me.

I won’t lie, writing this didn’t help like I thought it would, but maybe someone else is having a bad day and will go rent Grease 2, and if they feel better then at least I did one thing right today.

Everyday I don’t die is a success.  It’s a low bar but I’ll take it.

Thanks for listening.

jenn 

 

When Life Throws Shit at You….

Ever heard the saying “if life gives you shit, get up and take a shower and move on?”.  Well if you haven’t, really, it should be a thing.  Life can give you all kinds of shit, but what you do with it is up to you!  The story I am about to present is a little gross, so read at your own risk.  It has a valuable lesson at the end, but like life, sometimes you have to dig through the dirty stuff to get the point.

Let me start by saying I have been working hard, so very hard.  My mental health goes up and down but work is great, family is great, life is great, and really, off side being really tired (and justifiably so) I am doing very great.  I was excited to take a day off on Saturday from life’s responsibilities.  This included turning off work emails, no texting, getting a sitter, and going to a comedy friends’ house to play boardgames all day.  Okay it’s a bit nerdy but it was a dream escape for me.  I love to get lost in boardgames, and to have fun, and also to eat and drink a little. #sangria

The day (and night) was so much fun.  I was worried, well because that’s what I do, but the day was fun.  My husband started feeling sick in the evening, and we all just attributed it to too much beer, though he protested and said it was more.  We gave him some tummy medicine and went on with our night.  We got home at 2:00 a.m., and it was a success, no responsibilities, just fun.

I woke up the next day feeling ill; which may or may not be directly related to the amount of Sangria consumed.  This was expected but didn’t deter me from taking care of the kids and doing the work I needed to do.  Husband was out all morning sick, and it occurred to me he was actually sick, silly thing had gotten the flu, good thing I didn’t get it!  Woo!

I went to have a bath later on, a nice Jacuzzi bubble bath because I must take care of this yucky feeling I had from the drinks last night.  As I rested in the tub, I realized that maybe it wasn’t a hangover after all (though I am sure that didn’t help) but nope, I too was getting the flu.  I realized this as I had some gas and went to toot and OMG, out came some poo.  Just a small amount mind you, but enough to freak me out that I just shit in the tub!!!

Not exactly sure what to do next, I wanted to somehow just make it go away!  I don’t want shit on me, no one does!!!  I panicked and in order to make it get better I didn’t think it out and just pressed the Jacuzzi button, thinking it would all just go away.  I know I know, dumb mistake but when you are sick sitting in a hot tub with just a hint of your own feces, you don’t think straight!!

The entire tub turned brown as the poo dissolved into the water, it was like a mud bath but, um, way stinker!  I pulled the plug, stood up panicked and slipped and hit my head.  Trying to fix the poo situation was only making it worse…now my fall had splashed poo water all over the bathroom floor and I sat there dripping in my own poor calling for my husband, who came running and ….laughed his ass off!  He helped me get into the shower, we cleaned it up, and I wish I could say it was the last poo incident in the next two days but it was a bad flu!

Had I not panicked when I got shit on myself, I could have calmly stood up and cleaned it up and it would have been done, but by going into disaster mode, I made the situation worse for myself and involved others that didn’t need to be involved.

 

Mental health is very much like this.  When shit is thrown at us (which could be big or little, shit is shit to our minds) we can panic and try to make it better, all the while making it worse.  We may have lost a friend and somehow think that texting 20 times will make it better, as long as we can fix it!  We may want to jump out of the pain and use unhealthy coping mechanisms to make it pass, but these unhealthy coping mechanisms are just like pressing that Jacuzzi button: they only help to dilute the shit but keep it on us for a longer time.

The only way to get through the shit is first acknowledge that it exists.  The shit is real people, it is sitting there at the bottom of our tubs or our minds and it is real.  Acknowledge it’s there and feel the negative parts sink in your brain.  When it’s feelings, if we don’t acknowledge they exist we just rush to get rid of them with little thought.  The reality for feelings is that they will pass, they always do.  ALWAYS.  If we let them pass without making the shit worse, then the showering off after is much easier.

So for me I have learned much from this shitty adventure.  I had the flu for two days and it was awful.  I had to cancel a comedy gig, because funny though I am, puking on an audience member while shitting my pants is not my type of comedy.  While I lay next to my husband, who was also sick (but much less whiny about it) I realized that this is the first time in weeks we had been alone together.  I held his hand, he smiled and me, and then one of us ran to puke our brains out.  I will be making some us time soon, this time without shit or puke or even bad feelings, because in order to be healthy, we must take care of our mental health, our physical health and our marital health.  Also, if nothing else, learn to NOT turn the Jacuzzi on when you shit in the tub!