On the way home from my comedy gig tonight my husband texted “don’t forget to pick up milk”. This was as profound a statement as he could make at that moment and he doesn’t even know it. His intent was very clear: we need milk.
Let’s backtrack to a few hours early. Today ended up being a bit triggering in unexpected ways. I started out great, good attitude, love my job, blogged, did lots of work, managed projects and people, carved some wood, had a great day and then BAM! A phone call kind of kicked me in the gut; I won’t go into details but it was about one of my children and it was something hard we have to deal with as parents with special needs children.
I said I’d address it when I get home. I spent a wee bit of time on the ole facebook on my breaks on a page for the Ottawa Comedy Roast. I was escaping in gentle banter and was feeling like “one of the gang” online. I even made a silly comment about an old friend, someone who I think the world of even to this day. This comment was taken a bit badly, it’s okay it’s a roast, but it triggered a long list of feelings, al negative, and I was reminded yet again, that I am not normal and have BPD, and cannot engage in simple roasting type material.
I lashed out a bit, then more so lashed in big time. I was so upset that I might have upset this one person that I felt truly ashamed to be me. I assumed everyone hated me and that I deserved to die. I still went did comedy, cried before, killed, then cried after. Then the husband texted me about the milk and I smiled.
This, THIS is my life. Pain goes on around the borderline but no matter how much pain I am in, at the end of the day we still need milk. We still need food on the table and we still need to take care of our kids; and trust me they need some extra special care.
I know that no matter how bad things get in my head that there are some truths:
- I will always get up, dress up and show up no matter how bad I feel. I may be in the bathroom crying, but I get stuff done. I am a good manager and I know my job.
- I will always be there for my children. Hell, they may even be the reason I don’t crash my car on the side of the highway after a crying jag. I love them. I LOVE them and am a good mom.
- I have the most amazing husband, I really do. All this pain is over a male friend who no longer wishes to be part of my life and insanity. My husband is annoyed but works through it with me and is here, always. He needs his time so tomorrow he plays ukulele with other nerdy type players but he’s always a rock to me and the kids.
- I was reluctant to put this, but I am a good person. I am. I may fall off the beaten path and lash a small amount but I am a good person.
I did get the milk and the cashier, seeing my tears, asks if everything is alright. I tell them no, it’s shitty, but I got the milk so it’s going to be okay.
Thanks for listening,