Yesterday I wrote a blog about BPD in the middle of a BDP spin. Uplifting isn’t it? When I read it back it seems like a different person; a really negative life sucks kind of gal. That’s not me though, not at all.
Some ask what is being a borderline like? Why do I make such bad choices? Why do I contact and text people I know are going to trigger me? Why do I sabotage and hurt myself?
I wrote this analogy ages ago, and feel it is relevant; so if you want to know more about the feelings and choices of a borderline, then read away. If you don’t care to know, then I’m not sure why you are reading up to this point anyway.
What is it like being a borderline?
There are many common elements which make it a diagnosable disorder; the main one is fear of abandonment. Borderlines also have multiple addictions to cope from unrelenting pain.
One element of being a borderline is how we feel things. Imagine you felt a drop of rain on your head. It’s there, you feel it, but one drop doesn’t make a huge difference to you. Now imagine a large hail ball falling right on your noggin? Hurts doesn’t it? Now imagine the rain is falling hard; it’s a hard time, you are getting wet and it is annoying but you move quickly and get through it. Now it is a full on hail storm and you can’t move because you can’t see in front of you, all you feel are hail balls hitting you hard from seemingly every angle. Substitute feelings for rain and hail and you have a borderline. One feeling may be a raindrop to you, but hail for a borderline. These hailstorms leave me incapacitated, so many feelings whirling around inside with no place to go.
One last challenge is the impulses to get rid of the hailstorm. The inclination is to run, to hide from the hail. To use an umbrella, a garbage can lid, anything to save yourself. With pain it is the same, i personally use food, have drank and at during times where the conflict feels like losing someone i love, excessive contact and even posting on facebook. Alas any action during the hailstorm can cause more hail to come down, or can cause movement towards more pain. The only true way to get through a real hailstorm is to let the hail hit you. It is to sit and feel every emotion coming at you, feelings or worthlessness, feelings or pain, feelings and voices calling us names, we have to sit through it. We have to say to ourselves “i am feeling this pain. It feels horrible and I want to die, but I know it will pass by. The only answer is to sit through the pain…while others may know the saying “don’t just sit there do something”, for borderlines the saying should be “don’t do anything just sit there”
As we continue dealing with our hailstorms we learn how to sit through them with less and less damage. Positive self messages on a daily basis and healthy choices can slowly lead to less hailstorms and happier living.
Keep healthy and know you are not alone.