I have been writing about balance. I have been writing about overcoming my disorder. I have been writing about how great life is. This is all true. Until it’s not.
Today was bad. Today is bad. I won’t even go into the ins and outs because all that matters is the feelings that accompany them. Today’s messages were all wrong in my head. There was no beating them. I tried being cheerful and cooking up a nice meal for my kids and playing a game. I ended up leaving and making a few bad choices. This only compounded the negative messaging. I am nothing, no one wants to be friends with you because you are a useless whore. You eff up everything you do and are no good to anyone; and these were the nicer messages.
I read a young gal’s blog about her recovery and it all seems so easy for her and others. Maybe they are just stronger than me. Maybe it’s not the mental health, maybe I do have a rotten core. I should add that there is quite a bit of evidence to the contrary; I have a good family, a job I am doing great in, and for the most part my moods have been stabilizing; hell I even got gold stars from my therapist this week. So everything is good, everything is good so why the hell do I want to die? Why do these effing messages still come to me? These messages which I act on and why people leave. It is perhaps narcissistic to believe that everyone else with mental health issues deserves empathy and love and I don’t but that’s where the brain takes me.
So today is an epic wash in my mind. I put on Grease 2 and even that is not helping; I mean if Michelle Pfeifer in leather pants can’t help my mood, then what can?
I am still, in all of this, thankful for the people who deem me worth staying. Not only my lovely husband and children (who are the reasons I fight so much), but also the friends who understand the ups and downs, take breaks when needed but still love me for me. Yes some good people have left and decided I wasn’t worth it, and I don’t blame them, but all I can focus on right now is the ones that stay, and believe in these darkest of moments that they stay for a reason, that they see beyond the rotten core and see the mom, wife, friend, comedian, artist and employee. So to all of those people thanks, meegwetch and in the end it’s all up to me.
I won’t lie, writing this didn’t help like I thought it would, but maybe someone else is having a bad day and will go rent Grease 2, and if they feel better then at least I did one thing right today.
Everyday I don’t die is a success. It’s a low bar but I’ll take it.
Thanks for listening.