Last night I wanted to die. Only for ten minutes, but still, it was pretty real. I am happy to know that in these emergencies that I know what to do. I know to contact husband or mental health team and just get a safe person on the line who can help remind me the pain is temporary and that it passes through radical acceptance.
After sleep for a few hours I woke up with such clarity, such amazing clarity. It takes me to hit a rock of pain to have these moments, which is really what I am now clear on. I have been so good with pain management, I kind of forgot to work on pain minimization. I still take on too much, I still do not protect my heart against people who will hurt it. All I have done is substitute the players. I have so many people who love and care about me (because I’m clearly awesome) but I focus and go after the small amount that don’t. It is okay to have people not like me. what? no really, it’s okay to have people not like us. Okay once again, it’s okay to have people not like us.
What the problem has always been is that I personalize that rejection into I am wrong, I am horrible. I look at them through their eyes. In fact it doesn’t matter why they don’t like me, as my husband eloquently said yesterday “fuckers come and go, look at what’s always there”. Oh yeah, the pain of not being liked, nah, hated at times, is not for me to worry about, rather I should focus on those who love and adore me. I know at times people with BPD aren’t the most likable people. I truly get this and my fear has always been that if people don’t like me, I am becoming the BPD “monster” but in fact, I am not. Even in my roughest pain, I do not lash out and hurt people. In fact in this latest bout, where I would usually lash inward, but honestly this time I just sought help.
Yesterday I had an employee who had made quite a big mistake at work. I spent time telling her it was okay, that it was an honest mistake and to learn from it and not beat herself up. I need to take this advice for me. But the moment of clarity tonight is not all this, it is about learning to protect my heart to start with. If people clearly don’t care or like me, then don’t go out of my way to be extra nice to them. Don’t hate but trying to hard and focusing on them when I can focus on myself, protect myself from hurt, this is a better strategy.
I feel at this moment that I am finally letting go. There will be relapses, but I have so much in my life to look forward to, my one woman show, my children and husband, my amazing job and friends, that although I will have nights like tonight, I am finally going to work on limiting the pain and toxic people I bring in my life.
thanks for reading whomever you are, and I do hope that you get something out of this, if not, writing it always helps me.