I’ll return to regularly scheduled program soon. Today is one of those days I wonder if total health will be achievable. I first say that I am not writing a “poor me” status, but rather giving an idea as to what obstacles the brain gives people with mental health to prevent us from healing.
First the start of the day was a bit messy; waiting to pack until the last minute is nothing new, but today I cut it pretty close. I slept in, decided to go for breakfast with my husband, realized we left the money home, went back, decided we didn’t have enough time but stopped at McDonald’s for ten minutes of romantic bliss! Those breakfast burritos were so good I truly thought I was in México. #sarcasm. Of course this means I already made two unhealthy choices, not to exercise and to eat shitty fatty food. Woo, let’s start today!
I am going away for four nights, and always excited to do comedy but I also scheduled a meeting in Thunder Bay next week, so put the two together and I am gone way too much; not only missing Valentine’s day (which truly who gives a shit) but more so my anniversary. I will eat Taco Time in honour of josh that day. (he proposed to me at Taco Time, true story, you literally cannot make that shit up) So this travel cuts into family time and date with josh time. These are a couple other choices that may go against total health.
This was all avoidable and on me for bad choices. The consequences for a normal person would be a little bit of gas from the breakfast, a little bit of sore muscles from not getting exercise and some rescheduled, poof no biggie. Alas for me, a series of questionable choices leads me to a five minute crying jag in my office about how everyone hates me and I should die to make everyone happy. Whoa, what??? How can the mind go so negative so quickly? It comes but then if I’m lucky it goes as quickly as it came. It goes like this:
- Feeling bad about eating bad in the morning. Head tells me “you are a loser who will always be fat and no one loves you”. I laugh a bit because I know I am loved, kids, husband and friends, so fuck you head.
- Had to be strict with an employee, necessarily so. Head tells me “you are such a mean bitch, no one likes you and you are fat and no one loves you”. I get annoyed and tell head to shut up, I am doing my job and doing it well.
- I get a note on my child’s developmental assessment only to find out he is still below average on most items. Head says “what kind of mom are you? If someone else had adopted him he would have been better off”. I remind my head that this is actually progress from him as last assessment he was significantly below average. I start to be sad though.
- I see a picture of a dog that looks like my old dog nacho, I cry remembering the pain of putting him down.
- I start missing an old friend who I used to talk to daily, and although it ended where It needed to for both of our health, my head says “you are such a worthless whore no one wants to be your friend, you should just die”. I don’t argue.
- I reach out a bit to talk NOT about the underlying issues, but about missing my friend to another friend who says “stop talking about it, it’s done let’s move on”. My head says “see, this friend will leave too, everyone will always leave”. And INSPITE of having an amazing husband and children who adore me and always will, I start to believe the head.
- Someone notices my face from my five minutes of tears over my dead dog or dead friendship and brings me a cupcake. My soul is soothed as food is one of my pain diversion methods, and then I start to beat self up about being fat.
At this point in a regular “spin” (spin is what I call my thoughts slipping so negative so quick), I may over text someone, have negative thoughts about others, lash out on my body (simple bruising) gamble drink or completely dissociate. I can work in my job under the most insane situations and can pretend everything is okay but in the end it’s better to be honest with self, “I am in pain and want the pain to go away”, and when someone says “how are you” instead of saying “fine” and then beat self up for crying, I just say “I’m getting there, thanks”.
I breathe, take a walk, divert my thoughts, and in this case, write a blog item. After this, I am 100% fine. I mean 100% fine. It’s ridiculous how the mind can go from “I should die” to “cool, let’s work on that proposal”.
This my friends is mental health. Every day is a series of choices, and the better the choices the better the day just like anyone else, but the worse the choices, truly the worse the consequences are. Once triggered in a “spin” it’s hard to get out. It’s hard to know how to refocus, get old friends and dogs out of the head, appreciate everything in front of me and just be happy. This has been done today, and I will continue my ups and downs through life, preparing for situations that may trigger me.
It aint easy being green as Kermit said, but honestly, every time one of these “spins” comes to a conclusion that doesn’t hurt self or others, I feel victorious. Tired, but victorious because I may not win the war on my mental health, but I can win the individual battles.
Thanks for listening.