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The True Us

I have to remember this blog is about updating for my 25 things I will do in 2014, my goals essentially for total health (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual).

One of those goals is Visit Halifax because I wanted Josh my husband to see his parents.  Alas this happened much sooner.  He is there right now to attend his mom’s memorial tomorrow.  To sum up his experience with this right now he said “this is way to grown up for me”.

We may not visit as a family now and thus life has thrown a wrench into fulfilling this goal.  The spirit of the goal will live on and hopefully we can get Josh’s step dad to come and visit the kids.

While there, Josh has been going through pictures of us in our early twenties.  Holy crap we were young, always smiling, happy just to be together, and we were together, ALL THE TIME.  Literally we met and poof, it was movie this, sex that and always cuddling.  Josh used to work all day at his crappy job then come hang with me and I’d go work my graveyard shift at my crappy job and he’d hang out with me until he had to go to bed.  That was our life and we loved it.  We bussed or walked everywhere and were always laughing.

As we have gotten older we still laugh every day.  We still love each other but we sure don’t get to spend as much time alone as we used to.  We are now grown ups, not young kids in love.  We are as in love as always it’s just matter of fact now and not as exciting I guess.  Where before we’d want to spend all day in bed trying really cool stuff on each other (you have no idea how good we were/are) now we’d rather hang with our kids dominating them in Risk or snuggling them watching a movie.  Yes my kids still snuggle with me, though not in public.

Yesterday I was not coping well with Josh away and the death of Sandi and fell back to old coping mechanisms.  I wanted to escape into a life I don’t belong, to a friendship that is toxic for me and to emotional eating.  I wanted to but in the end I know what’s best and that any unhealthy coping techniques come behind making sure my children are clothed, fed and happy.  For me, telling my kids that someone they loved had died was the most grown up thing I have had to do, and I didn’t like it one little bit.  Being a grown up sucks, but it is what we must do.

So we will continue on trying to be a grown up but we will also spend time doing what we do and being who we are.  Josh and I are silly people who still laugh every day.  Josh and I have not gone one day without saying “I love you” to each other.  I promise you that if one of us (god forbid) passed away tomorrow that the other will always know they were loved by their best friend and lover.

The goal may not work as planned but the spirit lives on in ensuring we are balanced as a family and just as importantly that Josh and I never lose the young us who were so in love and felt like we could take the world by storm.  Together we are a force to be reckoned with and we have fought every challenge life has thrown at us and are ready for whatever comes next.

Balance; it is achievable.

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