In my large list of 25 goals that I will achieve this year to achieve total health, I will keep coming back to the big one: weight loss. Today let’s tackle the subject of emotional eating. I don’t want to address it, frankly I’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist at all. Some people talk about emotional eating as a joke, “oh I get stressed and eat a whole bag of chips”. This is part of emotional eating, but the degree between a little bit of chips when stressed to binge eating as part of a larger emotional and eating disorder is quite large.
Today I feel some stress, but not huge. I have the usual things in my head “you aren’t good enough, nobody likes you etc. etc. etc.” but I have fought those off with positive affirmations and a technique I like to call “get the fuck out of my head negative feelings” where I basically create two characters in my head who duke it out for my health. Somehow this just makes me laugh and I forget the negative messages. I woke up today NOT wanting to get up. I never want to get up, maybe still dealing with feeling sad about my friendship that meant so much to me (but was bad for me) falling apart, maybe the sun not being out, maybe me turning 39 tomorrow, whatever the case I don’t want to get up. But today I had to get up on time, as it is Josh’s birthday and he is going through a lot right now with his mom on her last days, so um, the least I can do is suck it up and make the kids lunches.
I woke up and did a surprise cupcake for Josh so the kids and I sang. I told the kids they could have their cupcakes after school. I had zero will power and ate a cupcake, not because of emotional eating but because I had rationalized that I could have one as a special treat. I was feeling some stress over Josh’s mom’s last days and my having to leave to be out of town until Saturday. I felt stressed and that I wasn’t being a good wife to Josh, even though we both agreed it was what was best given it was new job and that there is nothing we can do anyway. I realized how good the cupcake tasted and slowly took the container out and took a wee bit of icing off of one of them. Realizing that this would make one of the kids have less icing, I ate a little off all of them. Pass some time and I will spare you the gory details, but I ate all three of the cupcakes to total FOUR CUPCAKES! Not only did I break my detox which is going fabulous, and did emotional overeating first thing in the morning, um, I ATE THE KIDS CUPCAKES. The kids will now come home and not get their treat because mommy couldn’t control herself. I literally took candy from my babies.I ended up with emotional shame, desire to purge (but didn’t) and a headache the size of timbuktoo. I am diabetic and should have zero sugar let alone FOUR cupcakes.
In 2013 I would have said “okay I failed” and just go back to being unhealthy. Suck it 2013 because 2014 jenn is stronger and better than ever before. After this whole thing with the friend falling apart Josh would remind me “just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you are a fuck up”. This IS my mantra now because I will fuck up, lots, on everything. Getting healthy, seriously wanting to get healthy is a new thing for me and I will have ups and downs, but in no way will I quit. In no way will I take this as a sign that I am not a good person. While the healthy eating will remain, I know the larger issue is still the day to day management of my internal pain from my mental health. Everyday I will have pain and I will make choices on how to manage said pain. Today it was cupcakes, tomorrow it may be bruising, hopefully it’s never gambling again but really everyday every moment is a chance to make a good choice. I may have failed on my cupcakes but I didn’t fail on my lunch and I didn’t fail by bringing my shoes to walk by the river in Montreal or do the treadmill at my hotel.
Emotional eating, frankly most overeating is a sign that something is wrong on the inside, not just bad choices. By continuing to work with my therapist and keep everyday a chance to succeed, I will make my goals one step at a time.
Never quit, no matter the setback.
Thanks for listening.